Thursday, January 3, 2013

Balancing Act

Today's passage:  None
     It has been quite a while since I've posted something.  My schedule has changed a bit in the mornings, so I'm praying that it will allow me to get back to doing this on a regular basis. If things go as planned, I will be up with my oldest two, getting them ready for school and sending them on their way (without having to drive them, hooray!) and be able to have devotions and blogging time before my littlest and latest sleeper wakes.
     Maybe I should explain something about myself.  I have always been a throw out the baby with the bathwater type of person.  This is not usually a good thing. Sometimes it is, but more often than not, it isn't. When I was Resolved several months ago, I was going through some real self-examination.  Mostly good, by the way.  It was needful, it was important and it was very relevant for me to make some changes. I have needed to find balance, but because of my stubborn nature, I tend to tip the scales one way or the other.  All or nothing.  Like I said, bathwater or baby.  I certainly do not want to go back to the way things used to be when I was devoting so much time to this that I was not making my family and home life a priority.  But I was tending to go the other way.  In doing that, I also found myself missing my quiet time more often, very unmotivated to start my day, and a little resentful that I couldn't find time to write.  I have repented for this attitude.  Why should I be resentful to be able to stay home and take care of my family?  Many women would love to do that.  It wasn't that I was resentful about being a stay-at-home mom.  Please don't get the wrong idea there. I am so thrilled and thankful that my husband allows me to stay home.  I feel privileged to be able to watch my children grow up, especially during their tender years.  It really wasn't that, but the creative side just keeps screaming to be free.  I have been envious of my sisters who can do so much with their hands, and I even felt were able to bring in profit for their families because of their resourcefulness.  Part of me felt like the only thing I had that I could do was my writing.  And even though I have not profited from it, I keep thinking that some day I could write on a regular basis and help bring in income.  That's my dream anyway.  I rarely feel this blog is my best writing.  Writing is such a long process with drafts, editing, rewrites, more drafts, and then submissions and rejections, that it seems I will never break through to publishing something.  But when I write everyday, it feels like practicing for that next step. And I get so much more from my Bible reading when I am writing it down.  It's almost a stream-of-consciousness thing.
     I told someone recently that anybody can write.  She assured me this was not true.    I was not going for false humility, I just figured that anybody who practiced enough could put their thoughts into words. But then I think about how my youngest sister can draw anything in a matter of seconds as well as any professional and she has never taken an art class.  I want her to illustrate my first book.  I can draw decently but it would take me half a day and it wouldn't look nearly as good.  Actually, probably more than half a day.  And my other sister can crochet and take amazing photographs.  Seriously amazing as in I hope she goes into business. My sister-in-law can make beautiful cakes.  I'm talking Food Network Challenge worthy.  Decorating a sheet cake for my son's birthday party is laughable at least. I can't do any of what these girls can do.  So if those are things that I can't do (and could probably never dream of doing with all the practice in the world) then I guess its reasonable to suggest that not just anyone can write.  I don't like saying that because it makes me sound very conceited.  Does that mean I'm something special?  Well to God, we all are.  Does it mean I have a talent others don't possess.  Maybe.  Will I still suffer from the being discovered thing?  Probably a little because I struggle with pride as well as the next person. But just because I do, doesn't mean it is not something I should do.  I also struggle with singing in church because of the pride issue, but if God has given me that talent, I need to be using it for Him. The pride thing is a lot of why I stopped doing things, because it is such a struggle that I don't want people to think that I think I'm really something.  Trust me, I know myself far too well to think that.  My failings are ever before me, so if I get puffed up, that ego balloon pops very quickly and the descent to earth is hard.  I just started to think, how can I get my boys to use their talents, if I won't use mine?  How can I encourage the young people in our church to use the amazing abilities God has blessed them with, if I'm not willing to be the example and lead the way?  It's a hard balance to strike, and I can't say that I've found it yet, but I'm working toward it.  It's a little shaky up here on this tightrope, but if you stick with me, maybe we can learn something together.  Thank you for your patience with me as God reveals these things to me and how he is working in my life.  Maybe somebody out there is going through the same thing.  Maybe something I've said here will help to bring about a little focus in your life as well.
     Tomorrow will hopefully be my first regular devotional post in quite some time.  Enough about me, and back to God's Word.

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